Tea-Totaling

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I have recently been enjoying Ken Burn’s documentary “Prohibition” - capital T for Totally awesome, though I must say it made me quite thirsty. You see, I watched this in the middle of my own prohibition from alcohol, where today concludes a stretch of 20 days. My reasons are my own, but its been a not-too difficult break this time, and I feel great from this challenge I set myself…but to say I am stoked for my first drink is an understatement. Like a baby without milk, I am giving myself a drink day today because my father in law, Billy Stoops is coming to visit, and always brings great bottles of bourbon. Can’t pass that up. Ill have fun today, and go dry again till my birthday on Friday. During this time of no booze, I found myself really lacking the all-day flavor fest that is my alcoholism. While sodas (bad) were the first replacement, what eventually took front and center was tea, “Good Earth” tea to be exact. An amazing concoction my wife has sworn by for years, but now i get the addiction. It’s too good. I took my other addiction and switched it over to 4-5 huge cups of hot tea per night, if not more during the day. I guess better than drinking vodka at 9am… or is it? Anyway, when in an alcohol free Rome, do as the Romans. One of my fave things about the shitty time in U.S. history that was Prohibition is the idea of T-Totaling. In years past, I just knew that Teetotalers didnt drink, but didn’t really know where the word or idea came from. The word comes from “Capital T for Total abstinence” - pretty funny. Well, my wife the other night after my 5th cup of tea (and a little tea filling the room with smoke…) called me a Tea-Totaler. I liked the idea. But lets be serious…I can’t wait for my drink tonight!

I love Vodka

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I’m glad I’m not the only one…

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I like it straight too…

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She made me do it.

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Drink it like a Russian - shoot it cold!

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Translator in a bottle.

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…and that’s just HOT.

Cocktail Tales… by Ed Schwartz

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My dear friend and old school P.R. wizard Ed Schwartz wrote this. While he doesn’t drink so much these days, he knows his booze. And I know him. And I really like him. Love it.

One would ordinarily start an essay on cocktails with a scholarly explanation of the origination of this odd name for a spirituous libation. That idea might be in vain, because there are many different derivation legends—but only one is correct.

There was a very early mention of the word cocktail in print in 1803 and, three years later, a full definition appeared in a small newspaper: “Cocktail is a stimulating liquor composed of spirits of any kind, sugar, water, and bitters…it is an excellent electioneering potion, inasmuch as it renders the heart stout and bold, at the same time befuddling the head. It is said, also, to be of great use to a Democratic candidate; because a person, having swallowed a glass of it, is ready to swallow anything else.”

We even know when the first cocktail party was given—in St. Louis in 1917. We believe one of the oldest cocktails is the Sazerac. Ingredients include cognac or rye whiskey, absinthe, and Peychaud’s Bitters. This historic drink is making a comeback at trendy bars and is the official drink of New Orleans.

Would you like a warm martini?  Egads, no! Then raise your glass in a toast to Frederick Tudor, Boston’s ice king, who created the demand for commercial ice in the first half of the 19th century. He sold the idea of icing drinks to top hotels and restaurants, and the customers loved these refreshing, chilled drinks more than the tepid ones.

Speaking of ice, these days it seems to be the “last frontier” of cocktail art.  Top bartenders are making ice from purer water, freezing ice in different shapes, and even custom-carving ice. It is reported that one bar in Japan has a bartender with samurai genes in his blood. He uses a sword to cut perfect, two-inch cubes of ice, which is both dramatic and keeps the drinks cooler. One bar in New York City, Little Branch, uses ice spears, custom-cut (depending on the length of the glass). What a good idea—you don’t have to use your finger for stirring. Much more sophisticated!

In some drinks, bartenders want to use crushed ice to simmer down the alcohol—a Margarita is a good example of a drink that needs some ice-melt to smooth out the taste.  (Mmmm. One of those would be good right about now.)

Another such drink is the world famous Mai Tai, concocted and perfected one night in 1944 by Trader Vic Bergeron. His original Mai Tai had a dramatic effect on one’s brain. According to Bergeron, he and his bartender came up with this original blend: 2 ounces 17-year-old J. Wray & Nephew Jamaican Rum, ½ ounce French Garnier Orgeat, which imparted a subtle almond flavor, ½ ounce DeKuyper Orange Curacao, ¼ ounce rock candy syrup, and the juice of one fresh lime.

Bergeron used to tell the story about his friend who, upon tasting the drink, said, “Mai Tai roa ae,” which means “out of this world” in Tahitian. This tale may be disputed, but not by yours truly.

In 1997, Trader Vic’s changed the drink a bit to include two kinds of rum—one from Jamaica and one from Martinique. This version was known as the “old way.” Thus, long time Trader Vic’s fans asked for a Mai Tai, the old way. As a footnote to the Mai Tai tale, a bar manager in Ireland, Sean Muldoon, found some rare bottles of the J. Wray rum and began charging $1,300 a drink for a Mai Tai made with this original hooch.  The drink was proclaimed the most expensive cocktail in the world by the Guinness Book of World Records in 2009.

Today, many bartenders care as much about ingredients as great chefs. These mixologists grow their own herbs, and many are now making Bloody Mary cocktails with fresh tomatoes. Better taste and, certainly, better for the customer.

Speaking about tomatoes, don’t hit me with one, but I love bar jokes. A man walks into a bar and he hears small voices:  “Wow, you are really a good-looking guy!” “What a swell jacket.” The guy looks around and doesn’t see anyone. So he asks the bartender, “Where are these voices coming from?” Bartender says, “Oh, those are from the peanuts, they’re complimentary.”

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “What will it be?” Horse says, “I’d like a bottle of Dom Perignon.” Bartender says, “Certainly, what’s the occasion, might I ask?” Horse responds, “Well, I just won the Kentucky Derby.” Bartender says, “So, why the long face?”

Ed Schwartz began his career in wine promotion at New York’s “21″ Club. As his interest in wine grew, he and his wife moved west to be closer to the grapes. While owner of a successful San Francisco wine public relations firm for 30 years, he wrote about wine, food, and travel for many newspapers and magazines.

Robert Downey Jr. and Slash - under the influence of… ?

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2 of my top 10 inebriation idols…Together. A moment in time that shook the heaven’s of wasted..heaven? Yeah. That.

Superman loves cocktails!

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I knew it. No hero of mine is sober.

Hunter S. Thompson’s petty cash expense

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2 million for Cocaine? That’s a long night.

My Tooth hurts

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Can I borrow 15 cents??

4 Roses Bourbon and a night gone good….

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Tonight I had a few drinks, as I am known to have.  Some decent wine - Santa Silvia Shiraz Cab from my motherland of Argentina. Cold, unforgiving Vodka from Russia. And by far, the stand-out - 4 Roses Single Batch Bourbon…from Kentucky, of course. In these sweet new wine glasses Andrea bought, the bouquet almost blows you off your feet. For dessert?  A Chocolate/Coconut endless-delight smoothie made by my lady. Wednesday is the right day.

The Philisophic Juice

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

“If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.”

Half full, Half empty, whatever…

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I’m drinkin’ Wild Turkey 101 tonight, boys. Happy Father’s Day!!

I’m a pot monkey too…

Jobs available!

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Being a Burrito Taster is actually pretty awesome.

Colt 45 - works every time…

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Where’s Billy Dee Williams when ya need him? He would already have her in the sack…

Your suit can’t make Cuervo Gold suck any less….

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The ad says “Cuervo gold tastes somewhere between the smooth of Scotch and the mellow of a very good Cognac.” Well, I hate both those liquors, but it’s an insult to them either way. I drink Cuervo when I am stuck on an island with no other booze, and the shakes kick in. While a solid brand, with some good Tequilas in their family, I have a pretty solid love/hate/hate relationship with Cuervo, so this ad …rules? Yes. It does.

Spaced out on Coors

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Good time to phone home, eh? haha. ha? Not too funny unless your drunk.

Total Non-Sequiter about Tequila….

I worked on a movie called “Antz” in my past life in the movie industry. I was a Director’s assistant and production coordinator, worked with animators and a variety of overworked, super cool people, and even did a number of voices on the film. It was Dreamworks first foray into animation, had Woody Allen, Danny Glover and Sharon Stone in it, who I got to read lines with. She flirted with me (Danny Glover did too, but I prefer his son from “Community” honestly), both are no surprise. I was younger, and easy to please. The main voice I did was the Stoned Mosquito… Type-cast much? Anyway, while researching some general Tequila stuff, i found this pic, of the Character Sharon Stone played. You can’t look up Tequila online without seeing pictures of this creature called Tila Tequila. Whatever, i thought it was funny that someone wasted time making this pic, and here it is, being shared by me. odd.

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This photo is right before Tila Tequila vomited on Sharon Stone’s ant. Really.

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Antz - signed by the 2 guys I worked for, Eric Darnell and Tim Johnson. Always good to me.

Tequila! The Ventures

Tequila! The Ventures, rockin’ the song Pee-Wee Herman, and many dive bars would bring to fame… check these guys out! I wanna smoke dope, do lines, pop veins, surf waves with these guys…whatever they bring to the table, sign me up! Plus, I may take that one guy’s boots…

More Drunk History!

Drunk History vol. 2.5 - Featuring Jack Black from Jack Black

“In Too Deep”

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“In Too Deep” - Acrylic, Varnish, Blood and Booze on hammer beaten wood, by yours truly. Really…its just how i feel some days…

Curly The Bartender…